Hell Week

Really??? What a totally f'ed up week. Training took a back seat while I tried to figure out which side was up and what the frick I was going to do about it.... Long story short, things are on the up...going up the hill, it will be a tough climb, but it will be worth it. How do you cope when someone you care about tries to commit suicide. I don't like it, don't get it, but most important, blame me all you want, but it's NOT my fault. I care about you and I love you, I want to stay close to you, I do not want to be your "air" or the reason you live. I want you to be you, the best you you can be... if you can't do that, we will never be us again. I am not making a promise that we will be us, but I can promise if you don't pull your head out of your ass, it will NOT happen...

Mmmm, tough love...

and where am I? Confused as shit and once again, forced in the role of the strong one... when do I get to be the weak one, break down and cry? Although... I hate crying and I think I have mourned enough over this loss. I just long to have big, strong arms wrapped around me and hold me and tell me everything will be okay, I am doing a good job and I am loved. I need that physical holding. I know in my heart God is telling me this and he is holding me, but I can't feel it... I need the human touch... Is that what I need to learn??? That I need to just trust in God and that I really don't need that physical touch??? God, I just want to be held. Like when I was little and sick and my Daddy would just wrap his arms around me and hold me until I feel asleep...